John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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