He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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