I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
