The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
