I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
