Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
