Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
