saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
