he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
this boner is exhausting
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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