chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
third nipple confirmed
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
