I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
