I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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