: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize