did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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