It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
