I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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