I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
