I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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