It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
