And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She even gives head with a lisp.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
