you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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