If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
