You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
