I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
