i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
