Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
