a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
