if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
