I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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