Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My bed smells like the plague
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
