is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
