**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
