You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
