Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Also, beer. Big fan.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
