...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize