my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
