in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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