You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
