He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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