I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
