So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
