Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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