I got chris browned last night
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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