Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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