there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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