Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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