You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
