Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize