Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
