His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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