I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
