And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
