I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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