Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
