Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize