People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
