we have pet lesbian snakes
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
