The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize